Family conversations & how to deal with them Biker style

Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinners - they're both great because they involve eating and drinking and being happy about all the cool things in your life (like friends, that Greek food restaurant and - if you're really lucky - your Harley).

But they also mean the relatives are coming, and just like most family gatherings, you cannot have your pumpkin pie and eat it too. These holiday dinners come with a catch.

The family personalities gathered round the table come primed with all the personal questions. Tough questions, like about your personal finances, your love life, career and that one time you were found sleeping on the front lawn..... the neighbor's front lawn that is.

However, this year is going to be different. This year you're going to put Aunt Deb in her place because you're an adult and your life is none of her damn business. 

Obviously you're going to need to inject some Biker into your family proceedings to get you through this. And we at FXCHD are going to help you prepare with these questions (and sarcastic comebacks) to each investigation your relatives have to offer.

As always, we're going to keep things completely scientific and rate these questions on a level of 1 to 5 backfires, just like before.

Ready? You've got this, tiger.

"HOW COME YOU NEVER VISIT ANYMORE?"
FXCHD anxiety rating: 1 backfire

The Bike: a Breakout with Spectra Glo LED Lighting which is brighter than the fake smile you're going to flash while you walk through the front door.
Your Reply: "Well, if you move to Sturgis, Laughlin, Daytona or Laconia, you'd be sure to see me at least one week out of the year.... sort of.... I'll definitely crash on your couch in-between burnout competitions."

"WHY DOES YOUR GENERATION DRESS SO WEIRD?"
FXCHD anxiety rating: 1 backfire

The Bike: Sportster Forty-Eight that is as zippy as your father's tone.
Your Reply: "Two words Dad: Parachute Pants. Let's pull out your 1982 high school year book and see what your fashion sense looked like back then."

"YOU KNOW, YOUR COUSIN JUST GRADUATED FROM [WHATEVER OBNOXIOUS UNIVERSITY] WITH HONORS."
FXCHD anxiety rating: 2 backfires

The Bike: a Street Rod that good 'ol cuz probably got after getting the MF Dean's Award for underwater basket weaving.
Your Reply: "How about we not compare everyone's lives right now.... I've seen Mandy's snapchat stories with my own eyes- her and her sorority did stuff that was waaaaay less than honorable."

"I'M A VEGETARIAN NOW- I CANNOT EVEN THINK ABOUT EATING ANYTHING WITH A SOUL.... AND YOU'RE SERVING TURKEY."
FXCHD anxiety rating: 2 backfires

The Bike: Sportster 1200 Custom -with 67 horses of power and lots of soul on two wheels.
Your Reply: "Have you seen the movie Wild Hogs? When Dudley let his bike bounce off the curb and fall to the ground.... that gets me crying every single time. Why did they have to torture his Harley like that??" *sob

"WHERE ARE MY GRANDKIDS???"
FXCHD anxiety rating: 2 backfires

The Bike: the Street Glide with a 6 gallon tank that holds enough fuel to gaslight all your mom's horrific backhanded questions.
Your Reply: "When I bought my Harley and put having fun in my life first for a change, you made it clear exactly how irresponsible I was being. Now you expect me to bring a baby into this world??"

"HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND [CURRENT DATE] BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER? WILL THERE BE WEDDING BELLS IN THE FUTURE??"
FXCHD anxiety rating: 2 backfires

The Bike: the Ultra Limited so you and your guy/gal can Ride far, far away.
Your Reply: "Well, we have so much fun sleeping around during bike week that we really don't see the need to tie each other down with an archaic ceremony. While we're at it- let's ask Uncle John about how his third divorce is going."

"SO, DO YOU HAVE A DECENT PAYING JOB NOW?"
FXCHD anxiety rating: 3 backfires

The Bike: the minimalist style yet maximum impact of the Low Rider S.
Your Reply: "Yes, I have a good paying job that pays me enough so I can have my Harley. If by 'decent pay' you mean a job that has to pay excessive wages just to keep employees because it sucks the very life from you, then no -no, I don't."

"WOW THIS TURKEY IS DRY."
FXCHD anxiety rating: 3 backfires

The Bike: a Fat Bob with a meaty front tire that handles everything exceptionally well.
Your Reply: "Oh Melissa, you're so sweet to point that out. And if it bothers you that much, then by all means stop stuffing your face with it." *imagines doing a burnout in the kitchen 

"HOW IS [FORMER DATE] DOING? I'M SURPRISED YOU LET THAT ONE GO!"
FXCHD anxiety rating: 4 backfires

The Bike: the Softail Deluxe for obvious reasons
Your Reply: "Oh.... well.... yeah, they died. Very shocking. I'm kind of still sensitive about it. Who wants to watch Ride With Norman Reedus?"

"DO YOU EVEN GO TO CHURCH ANYMORE?"
FXCHD anxiety rating: 4 backfires

The Bike: the holy-trinity of three wheels- the Freewheeler
Your Reply: "Until the priest has a ride-through confessional, you can see me out Riding my Harley in all of God's splendor, every day of the week and twice on Sunday."  

"IT ONLY TOOK ME SIX MONTHS TO PAY OFF MY STUDENT LOANS- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH ALL THESE WHINY MILLENNIALS."
FXCHD anxiety rating: 5 backfires

The Bike: a Street Bob for it's light-weight frame which is super agreeable, but also easily handles the turns- like the give-and-take nature of the two-handed adulation.
Your Reply: "Life was so much simpler when you could BS your way through an associate arts degree, like you did back in the '70s Uncle Mike. So yeah, let's move on from this convo just like my Harley does when the light turns green."

"OH, YOU USED A FROZEN CRUST.... I CAN SHOW YOU HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT CRUST FROM SCRATCH -IT'S A LITTLE EXTRA WORK, BUT IT'LL BE GOOD FOR YOU."
FXCHD anxiety rating: 5 backfires

The Bike: the Heritage Softail for all the history but it also has all the modern conveniences. 
Your Reply: "It would be in your best interest to leave my pie alone because my Harley has been in Winter Storage for the last month and I will cut a bitch." 

"YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THAT BUSINESS DEAL YEARS AGO."
FXCHD anxiety rating: 5 backfires and then stalled out

The Bike: a CVO Road Glide with a 117 cubic inch Screamin' Eagle motor to fly you the f*** out of there.
Your Reply: "You are so right, I should have known better. I should have learned from when you had all that financial trouble because your house was upside down and you declared bankruptcy.... but you only lived out of your car for those five months, right?" 

"WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR?"
FXCHD anxiety rating: 5 backfires and then stalled out

The Bike: the Fat Boy because, yeah - The Terminator.
Your Reply: "Ooh, uummm - hey did I show you pictures from the bike rally I rode to on my Harley? Check these out!"

Reminder of the classic Biker saying if all else fails: 

When in doubt, throttle out.